Put Me On a Boat and Call Me Sonar

As my mom used to sing, in her warped sense of humor, "I feel like hell.....I feel like hell.....I feel like hell...ping some poor soul."  Yup, I've got the galloping crud or whatever is being passed around these parts.  I really thought I might avoid it this time when I moved across the hall into the guestroom when the Commander came down with it.  Unfortunately, those blasted germs chased me down.

It's the usual Springtime upper respiratory thing, with the sneezing, runny nose, and coughing.  It caught me unprepared with not a lot of cold remedies around the house so I've been relying on my usual allergy meds.

I've been trying to stay hydrated by drinking lots of water.  When that gets old, I break into the Diet Pepsi.  In the mornings, I rely on hot coffee and tea.

Sometimes I go for the stronger stuff.  When you're operating with only 1-2 hours of sleep a night because of the stuffy nose and horrible coughing, it's any port in a storm, I say.

Speaking of coughing, I figure I could hire myself out to the Navy as sonar.  Honestly, with all the hacking and clearing of my throat, I sound like I'm doing constant "pings."    I walk around the house and you can follow my progress by listening to the sound of "huh, huh, heh, heh."  I just can't seem to hack up those darn phlegm balls.

Whatever did folks do back in the old days before modern medicine when they had horrible coughs?  Since I can breathe better when I'm sitting upright, I've had time to actually do a little research on the computer into that very question.  Here are some of the home remedies I found suggested to tame a cough.  CAUTION:  You might not want to try any of these.  I simply found them on the 'Net and we all know how reliable THAT can be.  But they are good for a laugh.  Also remember that honey shouldn't be given to young children 1 year or younger.  Comments in italics are mine.

1.  Stay hydrated.

2.  Try some honey (1 Tablespoon) with juice from 1 lemon

3.  Chew on a piece of peeled fresh ginger

4.  Inhale steam

5.  Smear vapor rubs on your chest

(These remedies were found at www.righthealth.com/ )

6.  Try Licorice for a cough

7.  Mix garlic and honey together for a cough remedy (no one will CARE if you are coughing because no one will want to get near you)

8.  Chocolate has a component in it that is said to relieve coughing.  (Now THERE is a suggestion that I can get onboard with)

9.  Make a Ginger, Cayenne Pepper, and and Vinegar Tea (I think I'll stick with NyQuil.)

(These remedies were found at http://www.grannymed.com/ )

10.  Drink grape juice with a tsp. of honey

11. Drink Onion juice mixed with honey (You've GOT to be kidding me.)

12.  Grind up raisins with water and then add sugar and heat it up.

13.  Take a daily warm-water enema (Um, I'm coughing out of the other end.)

(These remedies were found at http://www.home-remedies-for-you.com/ )

14.  Eat a tablespoon of peanut butter

15.  Empty some whisky out of the bottle and add to the bottle, hard rock candy,  2 lemons and honey and let it sit 24 hours then use it to dose for coughs and colds. (I wonder how many old-timers convinced their wives that this was a remedy for coughs and NOT liquid refreshment?)

16.  Put Vicks on your feet,  slip socks on and then your cough will lessen within an hour. (another person said you could also use plain Crisco or lard.)  (I'm thinking that your cough will go away when you start screaming after you fall while trying to walk with Vicks or lard on your feet and break a hip.)

17.  Raise one arm up above your head.  (Just don't try this if sleeping in bed with someone OR if at an auction.)

18.  Rub vodka or brandy on your chest or throat before bedtime. (Hmm, well, you definitely wouldn't want to do this if you had to go anywhere else, like an important meeting or church.)

 (These remedies were found at http://www.myhomeremedies.com/static/cough.html )

There you have it.  Now aren't you glad that you can just pop over to a drugstore and pick up cough drops or cough syrup nowadays?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go smear some lard on my feet.  I'm thinking that it might not cure my cough, but it might just polish up my floors.